Returning Home
Sitting by our fifth-floor window and writing haikus about oceans and lighthouses. Looking out at the bustlings of Harvard Yard trying to celebrate years in just a few minutes. Helping friends and roommates carry cardboard boxes of hastily stuffed belongings. Mentally checking off all the cafes I loved, ordering my favorite sandwiches and lattes and desserts. Writing good-bye cards, yuzu fizz soda bubbling in my cup as I sat by the River Houses at Blue Bottle Coffee. And celebrating my birthday with a strangely melancholy dinner at Saloniki with friends, without hugs eagerly doled out.
This was not how I expected my semester to end. It’s currently May 25th, 2020, and I can’t believe that I rushed off campus over two months ago, a day before I was supposed to visit my sister in Philadelphia for spring break, a little over a month before my grandparents were supposed to fly from China to the United States to visit me at Harvard and see my sister graduate college at UPenn, a day after I was supposed to be sorted into my college house with the joy of Housing Day (spoiler: I got Currier’ed over Zoom), a day after I decided to jog by the Charles for my second (and last) time, the day my parents drove up from New Jersey on my dad’s birthday to pack up my belongings, celebrate with a pie slice and a yummy hummus sandwich from Flour, and transport me back home.
Like after my first semester, the past few months have been replete with so many inexplicable emotions and experiences, all of which have been jumbled further by COVID-19. My spring semester at Harvard seems so distant from my spring semester spent at home, that I don’t know where to begin. So, I’ll go through the list of goals I laid out for myself last post, and see if I am able to make sense of it all.
1. Take care of my health. (sleeping at 1 am the latest, drinking water, not eating unhealthy at Annenberg, and exercising more often!)
Well, I can say that I have been drinking water both at school and at home, and was able to exercise a couple of times a week at the MAC, as well as at home now (various online barre/exercise classes, nice walks outside with my sister)! I think I eat pretty healthily (more on that later) -- but my sleep schedule needs massive work. Unfortunately, ever since the CS50 and TechTogether hackathons, I’ve realized that my brain does function (albeit in a delirium mode) past 2 am, so I’d sleep -- both in my dorm, and during quarantine -- ridiculously late, even with 9 am classes every day. Something to work on for the summer, perhaps. As for personal destress time, I’d like to believe I had those moments, such as those precious moments I’d spend picking up a drink at a coffeeshop, walking across Harvard Yard with peaceful music. But alas, I didn’t journal as often as I wanted.
2. Be in charge of at least one initiative and take charge in your extracurriculars.
I am happy to say that I helped take the reins with The Wave Asian Literary and Arts Magazine! After setting up the whole website on Squarespace over the winter, to helping lead the food/logistics for our first successful launch party, to now being the General Manager/Vice President and helping spearhead our Quaranzine outreach and pubbing efforts, I am working on my self-confidence and leadership skills, which I am very proud of. And, I was able to become Director of Public Relations for WECode (yay!) and am looking forward to possibly holding an official virtual conference.
3. Make a genuine connection to at least one new professor/TF
I would say this is pretty successful! In the beginning of the semester, when my head was deluded into thinking that I could possibly a) handle five classes, and b) ALSO handle a research position, I emailed one of the intro-linguistic course TFs about a potential psycholinguistics and CS-related research position that was posted for the fall semester, to see if there was a chance I could still work with him! And that ultimately did not pan out, but chatting with him led me to both take LING190, Quantitative Methods in Linguistics, as well as him helping me plan my final project analyzing COVID-19 and China-related tweets.
As for CS51, Abstraction and Design in Computation: alas, I do not recall if I mentioned throwing everything to the wind last semester and signing up for Professor Shieber’s office hours without knowing him or taking any of his classes -- just to ask about how I could get involved with linguistics/CS. But anyway, I chatted with him and a few students at a Zoom Classroom-to-Table, and recently sent him a friendly thank-you email for the semester. Even though I’m not his star pupil, I think I was able to find the courage to seek out chances to connect with him and hear more about his insight, working in a field that I am interested in.
4. Keep in touch with first-semester friends and mentors (Annenberg lunches + other casual meals + meals!)
I can probably separate this into pre- and post-COVID. Pre-COVID, I was wonderfully happy, despite being ten times as busy and stressed, because of the foundations of friendships that I built with lovely people. Some highlights include celebratory post-CS51 lab food outings, bubble-tea bonding, and blocking group brunches! However, I do feel that I could have kept in touch with mentors more. Perhaps I’m not used to the mentor-mentee relationship, but I’d hopefully like to be friends, or at least a listening ear, with upperclassmen as well as their mentee, but I’m not sure whether that’s appropriate. At least, ever since I read Deborah Tannen’s book on sisters and conversation, it stuck with me that older siblings would more often outwardly express interest and ask about the younger one’s concerns and life happenings, but not the other way around. So in general, I’ve wanted to be more conscious in all my relationships, to try to do my part as an equal as well.
Now… after the move back home, the dynamic has shifted. I keep in touch with my closest friends, but not as often as eating almost every day together at the dining hall. But for the acquaintances that I could still catch up with through serendipitous run-ins at Annenberg, in Cabot Library, office hours, the Grays staircase, or even the gym, I really haven’t chatted with them since being on campus. It almost seems strange, really, how being back home has encapsulated me in a small bubble of just me, my family, and the people I am closest to. That’s one thing I most miss about being on campus, is just living, in ebbs and flows of human exchanges all around you, that make life so dependably, unpredictably wonderful.
(If I have not talked to you in a while and you’re reading this, how are you? Send me a message if you have time to chat -- I’d love to catch up :) )
5. Text friends from home, family once a week
I guess this turned from texting family/high school friends, to just texting anyone not in my family to keep touch. Admittedly, on campus, I do not think I had improved too much, though I did call friends when I could. Now, at home, staying in touch with my family is easy (and sometimes too convenient, haha) -- so it’s just staying in touch with everyone else that is the main focus.
Perhaps it’s because of how the distinction between real life and social media is blurring with how often we are online now in quarantine, but I’ve been feeling even more distant from communication via my phone. But, I recently resolved to not let my self-isolation woes wrap me up in my own concerns, and to strengthen and reforge connections I might not have valued enough before quarantine -- recent friends, old friends -- one message or call at a time, however slow it may take me. Because of this crisis, I realize how human compassion is so crucial in our collective hope and strength, and so I hope to show the people I care about -- that I do, fighting the anxious feelings it may bring along the way.
6. finish NLTK textbook and build a program
Through self-motivated winter studies to some readings in NLTK, I was able to read about half of the textbook. However, I did use the VADER sentiment analyzer and a lot of data processing and analysis techniques to do my COVID/China-tweet analysis! So, maybe 70% success rate?
7. Better advocate for what you need/want/believe in
This sounds almost comically vague, but the more I reflect on this, the more I think that December 2019 Vanessa had some kind of sixth sense on what would transpire in the next five months. Indeed, I have felt the most personal growth through my first year at Harvard in expressing what I truly think and defending my beliefs, whether that is in school, clubs, or just in day-to-day life. Sure, I’m Vanessa, the seventh grader who couldn’t raise her hand in class to answer a math question. But now, I’m also the Vanessa who speaks to the head Residential Dean about why I don’t deserve to be disrespected in my living situation, the one who confronts my confusion and emotions in relationships face-to-face, the one who pushes down her beating heart and goes up to those eminent professors, the one who asks for clarification time and again in class or on Piazza, and the one who loses her train of thought because Japanese is SOV but keeps talking anyway to crack a joke with my language professors (I’m not that funny, but the little humor I do have is better conveyed in not-English for some odd reason).
Sure, my words sometimes come out a bit jumbled, but my courage to be unabashedly me and express that to the world, is expanding. And I can’t wait to magnify my voice even more.
8. Do something scary
Ah, my last point. I think this is a hard question, not because it’s hard to do something scary, but because in hindsight, initially scary things do not appear to be scary at all. That could have been more eloquently worded, but looking back, a couple of probably scary things include:
Organizing the Wave launch party
Asking for a term-time research position
Going on a date after a Valentine’s Day event
(Almost) speaking at a conference centered on Asian women’s experiences (canceled because of COVID)
Attending my first hackathon (and winning an award!)
Applying and interviewing for summer programs and research internships
And now, for a list of goals to work on for this summer.
1. Be uncomfortable, learn, and create something you are proud of.
This pertains to my research internship for this summer: working on a natural language and task demonstration application called SUGILITE as part of Carnegie Mellon University’s Human-Computer Interaction Institute REU program. To be completely honest, I am terrified of being underprepared and not qualified enough to help out with this daunting research position. I hope I learn a lot from this experience, both about NLP and about myself. I don’t think I have been this anxious about not living up to the expectations of a role, since right before entering college last August.
2. Be more honest with yourself about what you want to do.
Perhaps quarantine has given me too much time, but I have been reflecting a lot on how I sometimes can’t distinguish between what I really want to do, and what I think I should do. Language and technology interest me, but I sometimes worry that I’m only following certain paths because the expectations and norms espoused by my parents, peers and even myself are convincing me that I should study this or that, or do this or that.
3. Connect with people you care about.
This entails texting (preferably calling) my close friends at least once a week; reaching out to people I’ve lost touch with. And, being more compassionate and kind to my family, because tempers can clash in quarantine.
4. Be kind to yourself; take care of your health.
I tend to be too hard on myself, especially with expectations of productivity and comparisons of what I am doing in quarantine versus my peers. And, while I won’t say too much, I have been struggling with a health issue (not COVID. At least, not yet), so I hope to make progress with recovery while treating myself gently (but also forcing myself to go to sleep before 1 am!!!).
5. DO your hobbies and what you enjoy.
Read more API-written books, write those stories and personal essays floating inside your head. Bake! Do barre! My sister and I actually started a joint Instagram account to share our projects and miscellaneous fun activities with the world: @beluga_bbs.
6. Better advocate for what you need/want/believe in (recurring)
I hope to be more honest about when I need help, and saying no when I know my limits. I tend to take on too many responsibilities because I am wary of delegating, seeking assistance, or appearing weak or flaky, but being honest is part and parcel of being a better leader and protecting my own health.
7. Take detours.
This might be one of the few slow-downs I get in life for a while -- so I hope to be not so one-track-minded, focused on CS or linguistics or whatnot. Even if something doesn’t seem “directly” productive, I hope to explore it a bit more if it interests me -- in fact, sticking with The Wave is what has led me to consider a secondary in Ethnicity, Migration, and Rights.
If anyone is still reading after this brain-dump, thanks for sticking around! Finally, like last blog-post, a list of memories I don’t want to forget from the last semester:
Hard Memories
All those stressful nights at Lamont, doing CS51 problem sets
Rooming issue woes, all throughout winter break and January
Personal woes, beginning of February
The last three days on campus, leaving my friends and college life on campus
Being called racist slurs related to COVID-19 while in Philadelphia
Being SO sick a week or two before COVID (7 pm naps to power through studying)
Great Memories
Waiting in the FREEZING cold for well-deserved Chocolate Festival goodies
Watching High School Musical in the dorm and remembering all the lyrics
Cafe Sofra takeout and a walk at Mt. Auburn Cemetery, January snow glittering in the sunshine
a strangely sunny February afternoon spent getting Kung Fu Tea, browsing a bookshop
the first time I ate a bagel at Pavement Coffeehouse (see here)
my self-dates and friend dates at Flour, Tatte’s
taking pictures atop Annenberg; eating Flour in Mower
getting Saloniki for my birthday before move-out
late-night ice cream talks
Preparing afternoon tea for my mother’s birthday
Housepartying my friends and ordering them boba via delivery apps
“Sneaking out” to drive to my favorite cafe (Liv Breads) with my sister
Getting coffee at Twisted Tulip Cafe
Eating mochi and ice cream after my last assignment of freshman year
Getting Southeast Asian takeout! PARIS BAGUETTE!! and walking through UPenn, taking pictures for my sister’s graduation
many, many more
I’ll end with the postcard that I wrote for the Dear Harvard project:
Here's a quote I'd like to share:
"And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep." (Kurt Vonnegut)
I cherish all the memories I have made on campus, and I can't wait to return once we tide over this storm. Thank you for making Harvard my home, and I hope you all stay safe and healthy. Sending lots of love ❤️
In this unprecedented crisis, while the majority of us are at home, we’ve all been shifted away from other homes we’ve built for ourselves, the homes composed of sleepless nights and uncontrollable laughter and leaps of faith and spectacular tears and airtight embraces and strange farewells and soon-to-be reunions and just anything, really, that you kind of just know is what fizzles in the stardust of your mind.
We can do this. Even in quarantine, we keep orbiting, one Earth-day at a time.