Future Me
I’m not going to lie — I really hesitated writing this, because even though I tend to be honest in my writing here, I think the full brunt of my internal chaos is something that even this lil corner of the Internet cannot witness. But it’s okay. I’ll work with what I have :)
I think Vanessa-of-the-Past perpetually is wiser than Vanessa-of-the-Present, and I have two pieces of evidence: one is a letter I wrote to myself at the beginning of the semester (FutureMe; it emails you your letter on a date in the future!), and another is the beginning to this reflection blog post that I started writing in late April, even though the semester technically hadn’t ended yet (I was definitely procrastinating a CS124 problem set). I’ll save the FutureMe letter for later. But here’s that original start of this post (be warned, it’s a bit dramatic):
I think one of the most frustrating things is feeling like you’ve walked so much, and worked so hard, only to end up in the same divot, the same Newton’s cradle — back-and-forth, back-and-forth, all the energies escalating and crashing for you to simply not make any net achievement in flight.
This post might be a little different — I’ve always been a bit personal on my personal blog posts, but it’s also usually done with a layer of censorship — this is too of course, but it might not be wrapped up in a bow like “hey I struggled with X but Y!”
So, can I be real?
I don’t remember hating myself as much as I do now, since about 5-6 years ago. This spring semester has been a lot, and here I am, writing about it even when I haven’t finished it yet — because I simply cannot hold it in anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a lot of cherished memories, met and deepened connections both older and newer — and have learned a lot, from my psychotherapy class to how to dance the jive. I don’t consistently hate myself 100% of the time — sometimes, when I take time to make my bed or put on eyeshadow, I feel a bit of pride swell up. But there were some things about this semester that made it hell for my own brain.
Before I explain what the cause could be, I want to describe what it’s like, because I don’t know if I’m alone in this (and that would be quite alright because it isn’t a particularly enjoyable experience): if there is a moment of silence in my thoughts, or when I’m alone in my dorm without a particular timed agenda item, or when I’m in a transitory period — walking from Northwest, sitting on the Quad-SEC Direct shuttle — my brain, with even fuller force than before, populates my ruminations with how terrible I am as a person, and this kind of dialogue is quiet but runs in the background of everything I do. It’s like how if you keep Slack open on your laptop, and it just swallows 30% of your CPU at all times. Sometimes when there’s a barrage of messages it’ll suddenly jump & everything gets super slow — so sometimes, I suddenly become less present in a social situation, and I can’t truly listen or pay attention, and then that causes even more guilt & self-deprecation because I’m not being a good friend or conversation partner or whatnot (you can see where this is going). Basically, my self-deprecation makes me a more self-absorbed person, which in turn makes me self-deprecate even more. Haha.
While I can’t prove a cause statistically, I can reason about some roots, and think I see a common pattern: I hate it when I can’t satisfy the expectations of someone else — because it feels like a personal failing that someone can use as an excuse to care/think less of me. At the same time, I have my own expectations based on what I know I want and deserve, and if I don’t get that, I feel like I lash out and hurt others. So, whenever I prioritize that over satisfying someone else, I fall into a spiral of self-hatred — essentially, I just berate myself: why do you deserve to have any choice at all?
Okay, oof, that got a bit convoluted (and I’m also falling asleep while writing this
— and I actually did fall asleep on my bed while I wrote that. And I don’t know how much of it makes sense to anyone reading (or to me, at this point), and it honestly is quite a depressing start to this reflection. But I offer it as an olive branch — to you, if you’ve encountered me in such a fickle mood — and to myself, to begin making peace with it.
As a caveat, in a book for my GENED course, Psychotherapy & the Modern Self (highly recommend to Harvard folks!), called You Should Talk to Someone (Lori Gottlieb), there was an enlightening quote that went something like, “there’s a difference between pain and suffering” — because pain naturally occurs, but further, prolonged suffering is in response to that pain and is something you bring upon yourself by living in the past. So, I know wallowing in my struggles here may make me feel worse about it, but hopefully writing this will help me work through it, so let’s go forth!
At any rate, these posts usually center on the listed focus areas in which I set specific goals, but what would be most helpful is to explicate some background context of the past semester because it’s been rough. So, let’s split this into two parts: the tenuous, and the concrete — both equally tumultuous and mutually reinforcing.
Let’s start with the tenuous: in essence, my interpersonal and personal dealings. This semester, I am grateful to have had lovely people in my life. At the same time, because of my own fear and selfishness, I have hurt multiple people that have cared about me & that I deeply care about, and that truth has colored my soul with inexplicable sorrow. I don’t know how to explain it; I know what it feels like to be hurt, and the fact that I brought that upon others, makes me feel terrible about how I am as a person. I’m currently “working” through potential logic about maybe being kinder to myself while making peace with my mistakes. Seemingly unrelated (but very related), is the whole over-awareness of my physical presence. Aka, those pesky little ED demons cackling in my ear every time I look at someone, every time I look at myself, every time someone looks at me — even if it’s with the kindest gaze I’ve ever witnessed (because I’m blessed with the kindest people in the world as my support system. viewers like you :) ) I noticed that an increase in stress and self-criticism in other areas of my life is often correlated with increased self-flagellation in this realm, which unfortunately leads to even more brain-CPU consumption and less grace to grant to myself, and to those I want to give care to in my life. Isn’t that fantastic?
There’s more I can say, but I’ll move on to the concrete: the actual classes and activities I partook in.
Everyone has heard me complain about CS124, Data Structures & Algorithms — because I have never had an academic experience thoroughly gut me as much as this class has. That may be a melodramatic statement, but I felt stripped of my dignity at multiple points — just feeling lost through multiple lectures, being at office hours and feeling judged by the TF and/or peers for not understanding concepts, and just struggling to understand why any of this matters. This class is my first bad grade, the one that ruined my stellar academic streak since preschool — which I honestly don’t give a shit about. It’s the fact that I never felt so unwelcomed by an academic space in recent memory (which is a privileged statement, I know), so my self-confidence really took a hit. Of course, I was lucky enough to find peers to work with that were on the same page as me — but we worked and supported each other in spite of, and not buoyed by, the course structure/offerings, and it definitely made me disillusioned, and much more dreadful, of completing my CS degree at Harvard (which is a whole other existential question that could take up another post on its own).
What’s more, CS124 had a waterfall effect on my other classes: I barely had time to spend on my psychotherapy class which is a shame, because I truly enjoyed the content I did learn — but I spent many lectures and sections just Latexing my problem sets. Even though I dearly love 日本語, I was scraping by in Japanese class by bluffing the vocab tests and readings and being perpetually behind on the homework schedule, to be saved solely by the generosity of my professor. Finally, even though it came at the cost of being highly stressed every Wednesday, CS179 was doable last-minute — but only if everyone on your team was reliable, which I had issues with towards the end of the semester and ended up blaming on a personal lack of leadership skills as well as weird class politics with respect to group-forming. So TLDR: on top of the stress accumulating from CS124, I had a lot of guilt from not being able to put my best foot forward in these classes.
To top this off, I had my extracurriculars: I had T4SG (Tech for Social Good), in which I know I could’ve put more effort in, so I wasn’t surprised when our lil team called me/my fellow director out for it — even though I was struggling to keep my head above water the whole time. And, I had ballroom dance — which was up to 8 hours a week at this point, since we had two 2-hour practices every week (Tues 10 pm-12 am, Thurs 9:30 pm-11:30pm), including commute times, as well as extra practice — whether that was from practicing for our rookie cha showcase performance, or for our competitions. And though I love to dance, ballroom did cause me distress, because:
a partner kinda ghosted me, so I thought for at least a month that they and everyone else didn’t like me, and/or thought I was bad at dancing
I still don’t have a consistent partner, and my brain likes to find reasons why (*see note on body image; also reference Vanessa’s historical worry about being too short, which I had thought I had gotten over but I guess is now a resurfaced concern? who knows)
a partner I did find and give the time & patience to practice with (even though I’ve known this routine since last fall), did not show up for our competition event, and I had to sit out & watch as everyone else competed at the start of the day
Phew. That was an abridged session of self-induced suffering. I want to say something more inspiring now, such as, “blah blah, negative thoughts, blah blah... BUT [ insert rainbow at the end of the storm here ]”! Unfortunately, my brain is quite empty. One takeaway I can scrape together is that life didn’t happen the way I wanted it to, but what kept me alive, literally and metaphorically, was the hope that people were generous enough to grant me, those little exchanges of wishes and promises (to grab a meal, to ask how the other really was doing, to sit down in each other’s humanity.) It was kind of like Tinker Bell: I didn’t have enough belief for myself, but others believing in me, telling me I still have sparks of warmth deep inside, or just reminding me of my existence — that kept me alive, and I will forever be grateful.
The final straw, that ripped out my heart seams & didn’t quite fully patch up the tears, was realizing that a version of me, lost in the recesses of time, is still one of those people, even though I don’t always feel her presence, and even though I had lost faith in her. This realization came about, with the FutureMe letter that arrived in my inbox a few days ago (*abridged).
Jan 25, 2022
Dear Future Vanessa,
Hello! Congrats on finishing your first spring semester on campus!
It’ll only be you from a few months ago, but a lot of things likely must have happened already, huh. You’ll have turned 21 (yay!), had a fun spring break (with JieJie), perhaps done more dancing with ballroom, and hopefully deepened relationships with friends, along with meeting new people.
A couple of questions to ruminate on:
how is spring weather on campus? I hope it’s lovely (it was! pics above :D). how does it feel to be 21? how was spring break & your birthday? :)
did you enjoy the activities you chose to do this semester? do you want to seek joy in them more, or perhaps somewhere else?
have you been caring for yourself, in terms of food, body, self-love? this week (the first week of school), I’ve had a bit of trouble adjusting...
have you been making space for your art? I wanted to make that a priority, but already, it seems like I’ll have less or no time, so I hope you still found ways, however small, to collect some words and thoughts to eventually share with the world...
I hope that whatever happens, you have been listening to yourself...
what are your plans for the summer? :D I hope it’ll be fun!
how do you feel about the way you prioritized parts of your life this semester? I hope you didn’t place too much stress on grades, especially because of peer pressure. have you been nurturing the relationships you care about? ...
If there’s anyone you’ve lost touch with, please send them a quick hello! it’s never too late...
I want you to be brave. You can do it! We love that tech-job/artistic interest balance, along with ~ enjoying life ~!!
how are you feeling? about yourself, about life? what has been on your mind?
has there been anything you’ve wanted to do & convey lately, that you haven’t been able to?
This letter seems like less of a message, but more of an invitation for a response — or at least, to invite a reflection. It was fun and reflective to write this, because it made me think about the hopes and the worries that I have now. Even though many things are uncertain, writing to you, knowing that you have a bit more insight into how things turn out, is comforting. Because I trust you, I know that you are alright, and I know you keep me in your heart, even if I may not know it.
Sending you lots of love (& excitement for the future!), Vanessa
:’) I hope this speaks for itself.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to do art like I asked myself to do — a lot of potential writing ideas escaped me this semester, because I lacked time and brainspace to delve into them. And so, to to encourage me to write more & to set up accountability, I’m starting a Substack newsletter this summer! With miscellaneous bits & bobs of poetry, personal essay, what-have-you — in a way that’s more accessible and external of these lengthy tri-yearly posts. I’d love to share my thoughts with you, if you’d like to subscribe :)
Okay, now I will dive into my usual goal reflection.
1. Stay connected with people you care about; actively reach out to those you connect with / find cool! With less worry!
Spring reflection time:
reaching out more to new people in my classes (at least twice?) → kind of, if you count CS124 setting ahaha (sweats)
to be more proactive when it comes to acquaintances that I don’t intentionally meet up with enough. → I... was maybe like 30% successful?
This entails reaching out when I drop the ball & being as sincere as possible about it → I was better at this
I used to keep light track in my planner, which I think worked well (This winter, I hope to reach out to a few people at home!) → kinda did this
Perhaps another goal will be to better cherish & cultivate my relationships as they crop up, instead of feeling inferior to those who seem like they have it “better” than I do: I think I tried to do this, and this has resulted in me feeling a sense of security and trust in these individuals. I am so blessed, really, to have made friends — often serendipitously, over various stretches of time — and to look back and realize, “ah, we’ve really grown close like this,” makes my heart sing. Getting to know people’s hearts and stories and sadnesses and idiosyncrasies and desires has been so lovely.
This summer, I’ll be in SF! So, let’s throw a couple job-related goals out there, shall we:
Have at least 1 mentor!
Talk to ~5 cool people at my work
Reach out to 2 new peers during my internship :)
And personally,
Reconnect & stay in touch with friends/acquaintances in SF (1x a week)
Stay in touch with family/friends not in SF, at least 1x a week
don’t be afraid to meet new people!
be more proactive overall with reaching out, and being sincere when I am the one who needs to put in more effort
2. Advocate for yourself, and be honest with your needs and wants; set your boundaries.
I’ve definitely gotten better at advocating for myself within friendships, and am really working on suppressing the people-pleaser side of me (which has both been stressful but necessary). Unfortunately, I haven’t done much to learn more about PM jobs, although I did submit to some online literary magazines and got published in a few! As for academics & extracurriculars, I could’ve done a lot better to be confident in my expertise (ex: CS124, ballroom dance), though I did lay my boundaries quite well with not taking on too much responsibility.
For this summer:
Friendships! A similar route! Keep working on expressing those wants & boundaries, and confront issues when I feel uncomfortable or simply have another opinion.
Career! After my first corporate internship, I have a better sense for the cadence of self-advocacy — I will definitely work on reaching out for help earlier on & seeking support from teammates.
Interest-advancement! Definitely want to explore more with writing (see below)!
Overall: be less afraid to go after what you want, and also to know when to pull back and care for your health over your desires.
3. Take care of your mental and physical health.
Okay, so apparently this was quite a massive failure on my part.
Going on self-dates & taking alone time when I want to → some self-dates! perhaps too much alone time
Doing 1:1 catch-up with friends → yes!
journaling or writing every 2 weeks → only journaled like one time, sad
limiting screentime to ~3 hours a day (this will be difficult, hmm) → massive failure
reading one book (seems very minimal... but the count was 0 this semester. tears) → indeed, failure
maybe find a therapist (I meant to do this, but it didn’t work out) → this did not work out
weighing marginal cost vs. benefit (such as when doing homework! so I hope to continue this so I don’t put in too much effort at the cost of my sanity, for very little reward) → I got better at this! especially with CS124
And physically,
eating enough & when/what/how much I want regardless of dumb food rules and "shoulds" → I tried!
engaging in gentle nutrition! → I tried?
doing fun movement activities when I want to (bonus: with friends), like yoga or Pilates — and dance of course! → success! ballroom!
resting when I want & need to → ha
sleeping by 2 am! → ha
I think I need a do-over this summer, so similar:
Going on self-dates & taking alone time when I want to
Doing 1:1 catch-up with friends
Call/message friends when I am in need
journaling or writing every week
limiting screentime to ~4 hours a day
reading 6 books (this can’t be that hard right?)
find a therapist, even if short-term
weighing marginal cost vs. benefit (keep up the good work, self!)
compare yourself less to people :’)
work on my work-life balance :)
And physically,
eating enough & when/what/how much I want regardless of dumb food rules and "shoulds”
engaging in gentle nutrition!
doing fun movement activities! bonus is to keep up with ballroom, and/or try something new this summer
resting when I want & need to
sleeping by 2 am! (someday...)
4. Dare to learn what you are genuinely excited to learn without worrying about being “great” or “perfect.”
I definitely did this with respect to ballroom, and my psychotherapy class to some degree! I think I wasn’t able to be as excited about learning in CS124.
I’m excited for this summer — I hope to put my best foot forward with my internship, but I also have a couple of ideas ~brewing~ for new things I want to try. Still under wraps though :D
5. Create and/or do something you’re proud of and excited about.
my poetry got put into some online publications (VarietyPack, Corporeal Lit Mag, Bullshit Lit/Moist Poetry Journal forthcoming :D)
I completely forgot about this, but I was in a 1-month creative writing workshop online, lmao
Performed two poems at The Wave coffeehouse!
Performed rookie cha at our spring showcase!
Competed at my first two official ballroom competitions, at WPI and Tufts, and doing pretty well in them, even in Bronze! And looking at my videos, my Latin technique got a lot better at least (maybe not jive though lmao)
Wrote an essay about kawaii culture in Japanese :)
Did a scene analysis paper on psychotherapy & Never Have I Never; wrote my creative final project to intersect disordered eating, Asian-American women and AI technology
Helped Harvard Tech for Social Good run a successful semester of UX projects!
Some more things listed under good memories below :)
I don’t want to put too much pressure on this for the summer, but I hope to generally do well with my internship, and want to leave this open to interpretation.
7. Gain clarity & work towards what you aim for and what you hope to do, at your own pace.
I definitely want to make time to prep for PM recruiting this summer, as well as making space for my writing. So much to do, so little time! However, I don’t want to rush myself, & want to go at my own pace.
8. Don’t overthink. Be more spontaneous. Take more detours & risks.
I did speak up in class more, and reached out to my psychotherapy professor for a faculty dinner, chatted with my CS179 professor, and reached out to an upperclassman I admire!
Again, I hope to improve my risk-taking and confidence: and reach out to at least two people in areas I hope to explore, whether that’s tech, writing, or something else I discover.
Personally, I hope to get out of my shell a bit more this summer, meet new friends, and try new activities I normally am not comfortable with. I want to acknowledge my emotions in the face of uncertainty, and take the plunge even at risk of failure — waffling around really is getting tiring, so why not dip my toes in slightly deeper waters, and see how it goes?
And finally, my favorite part: highlights, both good and bad, from the semester (*again, redacted). I started listing bad highlights but realized I went into a lot of them above, so here’s just the positives.
highlights
heart-to-hearts with friends (bonus if at a cute food place!) ft. cloud & spirits, cafe sauvage, levain bakery, vester cafe, cafe luna, posto
celebrating friend birthdays!
ballroom rookie cha + social + competition + photoshoot fun!
allston dessert in the middle of winter D:
late-night cabot cafe visits
the nice lady at the SEC that gave me free coffee past 10:30 am
t4sg bonding & meals :’) with board & our little ux leads community
“productive” study sessions in currier
bonding over trauma in cs124
walks near porter/the quad (crepe cafe, forge baking company)
my birthday celebration @ afternoon tea in the boston public library! very wholesome
super fun spring break in austin with my sister
my parents visiting me :)
end-of-semester japanese department party :’)
post-finals fun — bow market, thrift shopping, new hampshire hiking, solo cafe dates
seeing little birds, the quad bunnies, the budding spring in cambridge !!
Well, now for what’s next — I’ll be in San Francisco this summer, so please hit me up if you’ll be in the area! I’m a bit nervous about settling into a very unfamiliar city and would love to see a friendly face or two. Also, like I mentioned before, I’m starting a Substack newsletter this summer for poetry, personal essay, what-have-you — so I can be more creative and short-form compared to these lengthy tri-yearly rants. I’d love to share my thoughts with you, if you’d like to subscribe!
I don’t think I’ve been the happiest, and nor have been making all the right decisions recently, but I’m trying to be a more trusting, and better, person: for others and for myself. And I’m realizing there are more little joys, like the ones above, than I expect, if I make space for them. So, hopefully, this amalgamation of ups & downs will take me where I am meant to go.
Signing off until August/September — I’ll see you soon. Sending love :)
ty for the love <3
& for putting up with my polaroid-taking heheh