Time, Waffles and Spontaneity
I have been thinking a lot about time lately. I rang in 2021 at home with my sister and my mom after watching Soul and the un-climactic Ball Drop. I have gotten to that age where society-determined markers don’t excite me as much anymore — my birthday, Thanksgiving, New Year’s. Of course, making a certain time seem special can give us renewed purpose and remind us of what we cherish. And these past few months have definitely pushed me to re-evaluate who and what I care about: from my own health and growth, my family and social connections, to how I hope to contribute my authentic self to making the world a better place, bit by bit.
But at the same time, it’s just another day, another year, right? Another arbitrary unit of time determined by the revolving planetary bodies that humans decided to make significant. I feel even more apathetic towards the trickling of time, as many people (myself included) joked about finally bringing the awful year of 2020 to a close. I mean, we do need some lame humor as our nerves fray from going through the most collective trauma we’ve ever experienced in our lives. But, there is a slight hint of toxic positivity in some messages I’ve been seeing online… as if 2021 would miraculously hit some sort of “Reset” button (The Good Place, anyone?) and banish all the hatred and lack of empathy and woes to the farthest ethers of our universe. It wasn’t completely related, but a recent episode of I Weigh (love Jameela Jamil!) mentioned the utter toxicity of “good vibes only” and “manifesting.” And I definitely felt that: an upbeat attitude and la-dee-dah messages about “uniting with all Americans” aren’t going to fix structural racism, white supremacy, and the erosion of democracy.
So, I say all this as I headed into my traditional yearly reflection with my sister — we list a bunch of milestones and memories from the year, list some new goals, and then evaluate/reflect on the goals we set from last year. We usually do this on cute stationery & stick it into an envelope (this year, Jinbei-san themed!) to keep it safe until next year. In addition to that, our family started filling out individual copies of Year Compass, a booklet to reflect on the previous and upcoming year (with an additional quarantine supplement). I was doing these activities with a bit of aversion… like, what is the point, if time is a construct and I can’t control what is happening inside and outside of myself?
However, after doing them, these reflections made me a bit more hopeful about being a being on this earth. Because, we did so much to just live on in this time, to make the most out of these precious revolutions of time slipping away into the tide. I really do think that in the past months, we have shown ourselves to be more viscerally human. In many ways, we’re peeling back the layers of shine and grit to reveal what’s beneath, for better or worse. And I think in our own ways, we’re soaking in these vivid parts of ourselves to dig up those hatchets and challenge the unsavory shadows and demons escaping from under us.
Did my brain just wander on sentences that I didn’t know how to finish and end up with something kind of abstract and weird? Yes. Please interpret that how you will.
At any rate, this is a super roundabout way to say that I still want to find meaning in dreaming and planning for the year ahead, even in so much uncertainty. That I still encountered warmth in the wind. Like, when I’d go skiing in elementary school and be absolutely frozen and tired, trying to keep up with my family as we went from trail to trail, away from the lodge. But then, we would occasionally stop at this one cozy waffle shop near a ski lift, to munch on golden, syrupy waffles and warm our hands around steamy cups of hot cocoa. That would give enough tingle in my toes, to let me slowly clunk back to my skis and slide onto the next hill. Because I was young and didn’t really keep track of our routes, I never knew where the shop was or when we would pass by, which made those encounters serendipitous and quite memorable.
And so, even though my ankles are stronger and could probably endure the ski slopes for longer nowadays, I am thankful for all the little moments of hot cocoa and waffles in 2020: all the ways my family, friends, and just the people in this world (and viewers like you! *cue PBS*) are striving to create and gift love, hope, and resilience.
With that tangent, I’ll wind down my thoughts from the clouds and start my usual semester-length reflection on my previous blog post goals (with a collection of memories at the end):
1. Stay connected with people you care about; try to connect with new people
I think this was vaguely successful! I have kept in touch with my closest friends and other peers through extracurriculars. I am not the best at responding to messages, and checking in on friends I don’t talk to regularly... I met some new friends and mentors! I also should do better to check in on mentors. I was relatively successful at “networking,” cold emails and calls, etc. for recruiting.
2. Better advocate for yourself & set your boundaries (recurring)
Academic/school-wise, I think I have done a pretty good job. I’m sad to be moving on from The Wave, and I have been working on my leadership skills through WECode. Personally, I think I need to advocate more for myself.
3. Take better care of your health; mentally & physically.
*sweats* My sleep schedule either stayed the same or has worsened. But I’m trying to sleep 7+ hours! I also drink a ton of water. Physically, I’m happiest to say that I’ve found joy in movement again! I used to dread exercise because I was forcing myself to do a ton of cardio for dieting purposes, which led to a lot of issues. I may step back onto the treadmill/elliptical one day… but for now, I’ve been regaining joy in doing simple ballet videos (and occasionally with my sister and mom!) :)
4. Stay disciplined and push yourself (to a healthy degree).
This is a mixed bag, so let’s see: I learned some front-end web development in React.js through Keep.id, did my best with Bluebonnet (though wasn’t that successful), put on a high school conference with WECode (and am running a Fellowship for our college conference), did planning for The Wave’s design flow, half-learned some data structures for SWE recruiting, did the semester equivalent of a Human-Computer Interaction course via edX, translated some haikus for fun, designed some pages for Datamatch — oh, and applied to a ton of internships for both the fall, spring, and summer.
*record scratch* and this is when she realized that she indeed pushed herself to a maybe not-healthy degree but still feels super undisciplined for some reason.
I mentioned that I am quite easily derailed, which is true — I end up doing so many things that it feels like I don’t do anything, since 1) I am worried about not doing the “right” thing (trick question: there is no “right” thing), and 2) I am just poor at making decisions and drawing boundaries. Well, something to think about for the spring.
5. Create and do something you’re proud of and passionate about.
I didn’t end up making my own React.js web-app, but I think what I mentioned in the previous section counts! I am quite happy about my haikus and am excited to learn more about design and HCI.
6. Dare to learn what you are genuinely excited to learn, and learn for the sake of learning.
I definitely took the HCI course for this reason! I wasn’t able to maintain my Japanese officially, and the international women’s health edX course fell through a bit… something I will keep in mind.
7. Study for SWE Interviews.
Well, I can say that this was successful (though I don’t even know how I got the opportunity - a combination of practice, luck, and an easy interview process). And I didn’t even have to take CS124 or MIT’s 6.006. And I did everything in Java (since I basically breathed Java this summer)!
8. Take detours; understand better what you aim for and what you hope to do.
I definitely was better at this, especially in the last month of 2020. With all my aforementioned activities, I realized how terrible it feels to pursue so many obligations that… I really didn’t want to do it. In that way, those detours helped reroute me towards new paths to explore. For instance, while I will be getting a taste of SWE this summer, I definitely want to explore other aspects of tech, whether that’s HCI, UI/UX research and design, and more. Learning front-end web development made me realize I don’t particularly enjoy it… Moreover, I realized that writing (and by extension, reading) is a core part of me. But since it’s something I view as quite volatile and unruly (maybe like an invisible friend that only comes out when it wants a cookie?), I’ve never completely allowed myself to embrace it. So, I do have some hopes to read and write more, though that isn’t quite fleshed out yet. Nevertheless, after these few months, I know what resonates with me more than other ideas I’ve looked into: tech design, feminism & ethnic studies, body image & mental health, language, and storytelling. Those phrases are not any particular “goal,” but I’m glad to have them nebulously orbiting in my head for now, and am looking forward to seeing what happens when the dust settles.
Now, a modified version of the previous goals for the spring (perhaps up until the start of my summer internship?):
1. Stay connected with people you care about; actively reach out to those you connect with / find cool! With less worry!
This is a more proactive version of what I previously mentioned. I’m switching up some activities and honestly lost touch with some cool mentors and friends out of stress, so I want to gently push myself to reach out to new and previous connections, perhaps over the course of the next few weeks and months.
2. Advocate for yourself, and be honest with your needs and wants; set your boundaries.
I tend to overload myself with work because I don’t want to appear incompetent, but that just results in me burning out and stressed (not to mention the imposter syndrome). I will be trying new skills this spring — UX research and design with Tech for Social Good, more design with Blossom, finishing out WECode. So, I promise to ask questions and ask for help when I am struggling — and also not to overcommit, which includes the boundaries part. On a personal level basis, I also need to be better at expressing myself.
3. Take care of your mental and physical health.
Not much to say here, but to continue what I mentioned previously. I want to, 1) give myself more self-recharge time since I lost touch with writing and reading, and 2) get better at flexibility, strength, and dance! Will I be able to do a passe on both sides without falling over after two seconds? Will I someday be able to completely slide into the splits? Will I be able to do a crow pose with actual tricep muscles that currently don’t exist? Time — and maybe many hours of YouTube yoga/dance/stretch videos — will tell.
4. Dare to learn what you are genuinely excited to learn without worrying about being “great” or “perfect.”
I am a bit intimidated by my UX project for Tech For Social Good, but I am really excited to learn more about research and design. The imposter syndrome is hitting me hard right now… but I promise to myself that I will enjoy the learning process and let my curiosity ~shine~! I will be taking CS20… and my other ideas include Webflow (web design), graphic design (Adobe Suite), Digital Media on edX, not to mention the women’s health course I never finished (argh, so much pending)! We’ll see how this all goes.
5. Create and/or do something you’re proud of and excited about.
I think this is where I hope to improve from my last post. Some of my ideas include making a Webflow website about anti-diet culture or writing some pieces related to haikus. I also wanted to emphasize the “doing” instead of creating (since that puts pressure on producing something). So now, this point can include Blossom, and even just re-reading Percy Jackson :’)
6. Give yourself time to breathe.
NGL: Last fall, I felt like I was a chicken with its head cut off. That probably won’t go away completely, but I’ve realized that however, I fill out a 40-hour workweek, all my commitments will take longer than I expect, which results in more excuses to delay what I truly want to do. So, I am pleading with myself to not overcommit and to not beat myself up for not being able to do everything that sounds cool. I promise that this time to breathe will be worth it!
7. Take detours; understand better what you aim for and what you hope to do.
A continuation from last “semester” :)
8. Don’t overthink. Be more spontaneous. Take more risks.
This is the vaguest goal, but all stem from my tendency to worry too much.
And yes, a collection of memories:
Bad Memories
Same, word-for-word: Long days of debugging and feeling unmotivated
Similar: many rejections from internships by auto-email, but also personal ghosts from 3 people!
A variety of up-and-down emotions
Good Memories
Airbnb trip to Philly with my sister for two weeks!
Learning the Perfect Man dance cover (and others)
Special home-cooked/ordered meals for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s
Ordering afternoon tea from High Societea
Translating haikus, sending people cards
Trips to Edison (we love HMart and god-tier Asian food! Also… I think Tous Les Jours is better than Paris Baguette. Fight me.)
Rewatching Hunter x Hunter with my sister; watching lots of shows (Itaewon Class, Demon Slayer, Queen’s Gambit, probably many I don’t even remember anymore)
Going on walks with the fam
Gong Cha opening near my home!
More Twisted Tulip trips (aka, lots of coffee! We made them a compilation video and they were blown away :’) )
I’ll be excited to grow in the aspirations I laid out, but I won’t be too concerned about hitting particular benchmarks this time around. I hope that I can take it slow*, go with the flow of what I need and enjoy — and hopefully, run into some waffle shops if I can.
*side note: in Japanese, I really like the sound of ゆっくり(yukkuri, meaning slowly / gradual / at ease) - the double consonant seems like a pause itself :)
Thumbnail Photo by Torbjorn Sandbakk on Unsplash